11 things a Bond Villain needs to create a lasting impression

Bond Villains things

Whether he’s playing some sort of proto-Blofeld or not (and that shadowy table scene in the trailer suggests he might be), we’re excited to see Christoph Waltz’s Bond villain in Spectre.

But before we rush to see his portrayal of Franz Oberhauser on October 26, we listed a few things any classic Bond villain needs – based on 007′s most memorable nemeses from the past.

1. A secret lair: Blofeld’s volcano base

No crib is more perfectly suited to the quintessential Bond villain than Blofeld’s secret volcano base in You Only Live Twice. It’s simultaneously very showy and totally hidden, but also very practical – if you’re hiding stolen US and Soviet spacecraft that is.

Other contenders in this category include Karl Stromberg’s underwater city (from which he intended to destroy and repopulate the world), and Hugo Drax’s space station (from which he also intended to destroy and repopulate the world).

2. A lethal weapon: Scaramanga’s golden gun

We never really understood what was so great about the golden gun (besides Scaramanga being a damn fine shot). But the single-shot weapon, which fired a 4.2mm dum-dum bullet, was undeniably classy. Secretive too, breaking down into four inconspicuous golden objects: a lighter, a cigarette case, a fountain pen, and a cufflink.

3. Dangerous millinery: Oddjob’s hat

Nowadays Oddjob’s iconic bowler wouldn’t look out of place in the trendier parts of east London, so it’s got that retro fashion vibe going for it. The fact it can kill a man when flung correctly is an added bonus.

4. Hazardous footwear: Rosa Klebb’s shoe concealing a poison-tipped knife

The old poison-tipped knife in the shoe trick made a few appearances in From Russia With Love. However, while it’s a pretty nifty way of killing someone by surprise, it’s no match for a gun in a scuffle – as Rosa herself discovered.

5. Impressive dentistry: Jaw’s metal mandibles

Is there anything this not-so-gentle giant wouldn’t sink his teeth into? Throughout his appearances in The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker he bit down on (in no particular order): a hefty padlock, a cable car cable, a man’s neck, a shark, a champagne cork, and a speeding bullet.

Just don’t introduce him to magnets…

6. Intelligence: Dr No

Most Bond villains are pretty savvy customers, but none of them had the academic credentials of Dr Julius No. Whereas blokes like Blofeld could order someone to build him a nuke, No was just fine designing one of his own.

7. Quotability: Auric Goldfinger

Bond: “Do you expect me to talk?”

Goldfinger: “No, I expect you to die!”

It seemed Auric had put his goldfinger on every Bond villain’s biggest flaw – not killing 007 quickly enough. Sadly he expected Bond to die very slowly from being cut in half by a laser. Bond broke free, and Goldfinger was eventually blown out of a de-pressurised airplane.

8. Sexual tension: Raoul Silva

In the grittier Daniel Craig films, where cheesy quips are generally frowned upon, no Bond villain has had such a way with words as Silva.

The embittered former agent took unhinged sexual menace to a whole new level in Macao by consistently referring to M as “mummy” and flirting outrageously with 007.

James Bond (speaking of M): “She never tied me to a chair.”

Raoul Silva: “Her loss.”

9. Financial resources: Auric Goldfinger’s fortune

Auric was a man who liked to put his assets into something tangible. In fact he loved the yellow stuff so much he went as far as murdering a woman and painting her gold just to send a message.

If he’d managed to blow up Fort Knox as planned, Goldfinger’s fortune would have been even greater.

10. ‘Pets’: Blofeld’s piranha tank

For our money, the most effective way to dispose of nosey secret agents is a retractable bridge over a tank full of hungry piranhas. Of course you’ve got to make sure your own henchmen don’t get thrown in first.

Other contenders in this category are Emilio Largo’s pet sharks, Octopussy’s deadly blue-ringed octopus, and the alligator farm in Live And Let Die.

11. Evil ambition: Hugo Drax’s ‘restart humanity from space’ plan

For all Blofeld’s machiavellian schemes, all he ever seemed interested in was making the world’s governments look silly and raising yet more funds for Spectre shenanigans. Little more than a super-villain prankster, really.

If you want scale of ambition, you’ve got to look at Moonraker’s Hugo Drax. The guy built an entire small city in Earth’s orbit, gathered perfect human specimens to repopulate the world, and stole six space shuttles to ferry them safely into space. In the meantime, he planned to wipe out the rest of humanity using a deadly toxin hidden in 50 strategically placed giant globes across the planet.

Alas, as with so many space-bound super-villains, Drax ended up being jettisoned out of an airlock.